Angels among us

With the upcoming holiday, I have to say I haven't felt much like posting. I am not sure what to say which is totally unusual since I pretty much put down what I would say to myself and you all know I talk to myself all the time! I guess I have not been having such wonderful personal conversations with myself much lately. At least not good enough to write about!

I think this holiday is hitting home more than last year. The loss of my grandparents has left me feeling alone. Last holiday it didn't seem to bother me so much. I am not sure what makes this one more so.

I hear a song and remember it being played while decorating the Christmas tree. I smell cookies and remember making sugar cookies with Grams. I remember watching Charlie Browns Christmas with my brother while in our Christmas jammies. I see a picture and it makes me sad instead of making me smile. Usually I tend to push on and remember the good times in everything I do. We cannot control was was or is. We can only hold the memories to our hearts and move ahead. Sitting and feeling sad will not get one anywhere. Life is too full of possibilities to sit and sulk over something we cannot control.

This year seems to have me thinking of my own future. I think Todd being in the hospital last month really opened these doors. I had no one to rely on. Reality was here that those who I took for granted were no longer there for me. I was alone and had to make decisions that I was not used to making. There is no family here. Had it not been for a friend of mine, I would have had to handle that completely alone. I reached out to those I thought would be there and they were not. It made me be an adult that I guess did not want to be. Although no adult, even, should feel alone in the world. Decisions is one thing. Decisions alone is another.

It made me realise that my grandparents not only relied on me to be their life. But I relied on them too. Over the last few years we have lost several of Todd's family too and it saddens me that the table becomes smaller each year. Gone are the days when we had to add tables to have enough room. Now we take away chairs.

My father in law died shortly after my grandfather and I find I miss him probably just as much. He was a good man. Full of laughter and my companion in a family full of crazy people! He was my partner in crime! Todd's uncle followed shortly after along with another aunt. These were the people sitting at my Christmas table. And now their memory is all we have.

Well enough of me feeling sorry for what cannot be. We will make our own family holiday memories. We will enjoy those that fill the table this year and bask in the glory of their laughter and love. For we know not what will come tomorrow and today is the best blessing we can have.

Merry Christmas and God bless to those in our lives who are missing. May we know their spirits are with us all! And may we enjoy those that are still there to make our lives wonderful!