Confessions of a sleep deprived mom!: June 2012

As we head into a week full of graduation activities, I have been too busy to think beyond tickets and who is coming and what I am bringing for the senior potluck dinner and where did Ryan put that other black dress shoe! But as the days slowly slip by, I can feel myself choking up more and more. I have way too much to keep me busy at the moment. In between all the graudation activities are activities for the girls as well so I am pretty much running around like a chicken without a head! I haven't had much time to stop and cry. But it is coming. I am surely going to need a Sams Club mega sized box of tissues!

We picked up Ryans yearbook yesterday and as I skimmed through it page by page and saw the faces of all the children I have known over the years....the friends, the kids sitting with him in classes, the child who was his best bud in soccer, the girl I remember from a halloween party....it comes to me that almost a lifetime as gone by. It seems like yesterday that these were the faces of the children walking into kindergarten that very 1st day 12 years ago. I can still remember that day and their scared little smiling faces with backpacks on that were bigger than they were, all walking in a line behind their teacher like little ducks. Where has 12 years gone?

For each tear I try to hold back I remember days at the beach and making endless roads in the sand with Ryan to drive his cars on. I remember him smiling up at me at a birthday party with his big grin and "Harry Potter" glasses. I remember him riding on the lawn mower on his Pop pops lap. I remember him potty training and thinking that he would NEVER EVER wear underwear! I remember days I got mad at him and days we laughed. I remember long nights rocking him with his sweet curly head tucked under my chin and I can still imagine the smell of babypowder. I remember him playing soccer for the 1st time and chasing the ball across the field. I remember birthday cakes and Christmas mornings and cuddles in bed. I remember the 1st day they laid him in my arms and I kissed his perfect face and fell in love. Gone are all those events and all I have are memories as clear as if they happened yesterday. It breaks my heart to think of all those times gone and yet excited over what his future will hold.

Ryan plans on becoming a vet. We have a long road ahead of him. I am sure we have more memories to make and roads to go down. They might be different. I doubt they will involve rocking him while we cuddle before bedtime. But they will be sweet all the same.

Ryan, I am sorry to say that no matter how big you become, how tall you get, how old you are, you will always be my sweet curly haired little boy. Now don't bother rolling your eyes at me. It is the just the reality of it. I will always hold you to my heart and want you to know how very proud I am of you.

May your future be blessed. May God walk beside you every step of the way and know you are never alone. May your road be smooth and your heart be light.

I love you Ryan and I am very, very proud of man you have become.