I have learned!

The funeral is over. The end is done. The beginning is ahead. It is time to pack up belongings, share memories and move ahead.

I had not had the opportunity to talk about Grams on the blog yet. Time comes and goes so fast. We think we have tomorrow and then it is not there all of sudden. But she was a big part of our lives here.

Grams (to me)....aka Mom-mom (to the kids).....Eloise to others........ had Alzheimers. She lived for several years down the road from us till Pop passed away from lung cancer 3 years ago. And life took off in a full run from that day since.

She stayed on her own, in her own house for a year until she moved in with us. She was here for two years.


It was not an easy decision. It was frustrating. Consuming. It was like having a child live with you that you cannot leave alone or forget about. It was about medications, dr appointments, reminders that Pop passed and sometimes fights when she refused to do what she needed too or should.

I have learned many things about myself and the world in the past three years.....

*I have learned I can be patient. I have learned that I sometimes have little.

*I have learned that I do NOT have the knack for being a nurse, health aide, caregiver, dr, etc etc etc. I have learned to thank those who do.

*I have learned that I do not mind changing a babies diaper but seeing an old person naked has WAYYYYYYYYY limits for me!

*I have learned to be gentle. I have learned to be forceful.

*I have learned to tell a white lie to get past a bad Alzheimers moment. I have learned I don't lie well at all!

*I have learned that the past is just that and the future holds so much.

*I have learned to try and let go of the little things that can be frustrating and find laughter in them too.

*I have learned that God often tests us but he never leaves us in our time of need.

*I have learned I can be strong, push my sleeves up and get done what must be done!

*I have learned to look at the clouds, smell a flower and raise my chin up to a gentle breeze.

*I have learned that life has much to offer and sometimes we are so busy we often miss what is important.

*I have learned to find blessings in a friend.

*I have learned it is ok to say no.

*I have learned to take comfort in a wrinkled old hand touching your arm because there is so much to learn from it.

*I have learned to let go.

In my heart I know Grams' passing is a blessing. She was tired. It was time. She had lived 82 years. Imagine the things done and seen in 82 years!

I tired to make her last 3 years the best. There was difficult times and decisions to make. But my husband and I always tried to do what was best for her. The best aides. The best assisted living center. The best dr.

When she went into rehab for a broken hip, I ran to the store and filled her closet with all new clothes. Something she had not done for herself in YEARS! I got her a new sofa and rocker so she would have some place nice to sit when she came home. I picked up cookies and Hershey kisses every week cause I knew she liked them. But she never really said thank you in the end.

I know she knew I got these things. She would offer to pay me, forgetting I carried her checkbook anyway. But she never said 'thank you'. And I wonder if she was happy because of it all. All this sometimes got lost in her memories. Her Alzheimers mind. I dont' know if she forgot to say thank you. If she forgot HOW to say thank you. If she cared I did them at all. And I have been thinking over the last week....did she know? Was she happy? Did she know we did all we could for her? Did she know the sacrifices we made? Or was she lost? Lost in her mind. Lost in her memories. Lost in a past where Hershey kisses ment little. I like to think she did. But I guess I will never know.


To give you a little insite on what I dealt with....


Here is a story I tell with a smile on my face.

We were taking Grams out. And as she sat next to me in the van, she asked me where Pop was. Like a deer in headlights (go back to me not lying well) I paused and then said "Grams, Pop passed away". Her face crumbled and she said "Pop passed!? When did that happen!?" At that exact moment a car sped past me doing WAY over the speed limit and I changed the subject in a panic and talked about how aweful that guy was driving. It worked. For about 10 min. In the quiet of the van she says "Kim, where is Pop?". Well. I was NOT going down that road again!! So I said, "Oh he had some errands to do". Grams looks at me and says "But....I thought he died!" Sometimes you just never could win!


She is at rest now though. There is no more lonliness. No more pain. No more saddness. No more past. She is at peace. And she passed in her sleep. What more could one ask for? It was what she wanted. To die in peace and be with her husband.

And so we go on. With our memories. With a smile on our face when we think back. It is the life cycle. It is God's path for us. It is a new beginning....

http://www.alz.org/index.asp

In loving memory

ELOISE ZARADA

Daughter, Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother

Passed on July 20, 2009 to be with God and her much loved and missed husband.

You have lived a hard and long life. The end was lonely without your Eddie. God has finally given you wings. May you hold Pop's hand again, fly and be free and be in peace at last.

Love Letters






WE REMEMBER THEIR LOVE
WHEN THEY CAN NO LONGER
REMEMBER!

From the mouths of babes

We were on our way home the other day and passed some tractor sale place out in the middle of no where. They had built a large water fall on their property and placed a small green tractor at the top of the fall. Then they colored the water to be this bright, neon green to match!

As we passed, Delaney declares loudly, "Ewwwwwwww That's GROSS! I bet A LOT of birds pooped in that water Mom!!!!!!!!!!!"

This is what three swim classes can do!

Wasn't swim class supposed to make ME more comfortable with her in the water??!!
How did I know it would make her MORE daring!???!!! Did I not predict that?

And this is what a little girl, who is very observant, can learn from just WATCHING a swim team practicing next to her!!!!

How is that for a 4 year old....self taught.....breast stroke!

At this rate she might make the swim team!

My week in a nutshell!

Work, kids, paint, crocs, VBS......OH MY!

21 kids. 21 three to four year olds with a few 2 1/2 thrown in for excitement. Did I ever mention I was INSANE????

And if you are thinking the pics might be blurry, they aren't. It is totally you. Go get your glasses!

Not counting today............two days left!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!!!!!!

What a croc!

It is that time of the year. The VBS time!!!!!! (vacation bible school for those who don't know!)

Every year I say I am not going to do it. And every year I give in and do it. The guilts always get the better of me. As I sit in the church pew and listen to the director saying how she needs teachers, I go over and over in my head how I said I was NOT going to do it....and then the marshmellow in me puts on her boxing gloves and a fight begins ....the marshmellow is usually the winner!

I usually get the prek group which can be very stressful at times. If I am lucky....15 kids. If I am unlucky......20-30. Some kids who have never been in a daycare setting before. Some kids who have never stepped foot in a church before then. Kids who's parents drop them off for the 1st time and then make a mad dash for the door, leaving behind a screaming child in their wake. Nothing is more fun and exciting than trying to teach about 20 prek'ers a bible story with two or three screaming children sitting in the back of the room!

My most remembered moment last year was dealing with two crying kids, trying to set up for craft time (which was probably paint something or other cause I AM INSANE!) and some child throwing up on the carpeted floor! Yes. Never a dull moment! And it makes me all goose pimplie with excitement and anticipation for this upcoming year. WHICH, BTW, is next week!

I have spent the last week retyping the stories. Whoever does these things is just plain stupid and never, obviously, worked with young kids before. We do NOT use large words when telling a story, we do not encourage 2 year olds to remove their shoes cause THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PUT THEM BACK ON, and when you tell a story, it should have an ending. Even a 2 year old will pick on the fact that a story has no ending. Like this year the plagues story ended with God sending forth lots and lots of bugs and such and the Pharaoh always saying no, he won't let the people go. And that is how it ends. Cause "God is Powerful". Ok....how is God Powerful if you end it with the Pharaoh saying he will not let the people go? Even to a child, they will pick up that the Pharaoh won cause HE SAID NO! So I had some rewriting to do....and endings to add.

Then I had the decor to do. I know I have mentioned this before but I am a perfectionist sometimes. I think big. All the other teachers just throw their room together the day of and Miss Kim is doing things like building a forest or trying to figure out a way to make a water fall in her room! I don't know why I do this to myself. It just adds to my stress. But I cannot have a dorky room! It should be fun! Exciting. And greatly complex in design! Cause life would just not be complete if I was not spending an entire weekend before VBS trying to figure out how to make a willow tree that will engolf my whole room! WHICH is exactly what my plans are on this Sunday......

The theme is bayou. You know......willow trees, moss, crocs, docks, lightening bugs and probably mosquitos too! So I have spent my whole week thinking about decor that will follow this theme and drive me insane on how to make it, paint it, create it and make it 2 yr old save!

My result? A dock with pussy willows entiring the room. A HUGE willow tree made from paper and streamers that cover the whole room and the painted versions of the croc and his friend who are the storytellers this week. Sounds good, right? Creative. Exciting. Colorful. Insane. I think I have met all those qualifications!


This is the beginnings of my croc....wet, wrinkled, tail missing and 1/2 painted. If you are all good...maybe I might take some pics of the finished version and my whole room.



My goal today is to finish my croc and all his friends and then off to Wally World to pick up my craft supplies. Which I know involves painting of some sort cause life would be just boring without a room full of 20 two year olds and paint and....cause I AM INSANE!