I had not had the opportunity to talk about Grams on the blog yet. Time comes and goes so fast. We think we have tomorrow and then it is not there all of sudden. But she was a big part of our lives here.
Grams (to me)....aka Mom-mom (to the kids).....Eloise to others........ had Alzheimers. She lived for several years down the road from us till Pop passed away from lung cancer 3 years ago. And life took off in a full run from that day since.
She stayed on her own, in her own house for a year until she moved in with us. She was here for two years.
It was not an easy decision. It was frustrating. Consuming. It was like having a child live with you that you cannot leave alone or forget about. It was about medications, dr appointments, reminders that Pop passed and sometimes fights when she refused to do what she needed too or should.
I have learned many things about myself and the world in the past three years.....
*I have learned I can be patient. I have learned that I sometimes have little.
*I have learned that I do NOT have the knack for being a nurse, health aide, caregiver, dr, etc etc etc. I have learned to thank those who do.
*I have learned that I do not mind changing a babies diaper but seeing an old person naked has WAYYYYYYYYY limits for me!
*I have learned to be gentle. I have learned to be forceful.
*I have learned to tell a white lie to get past a bad Alzheimers moment. I have learned I don't lie well at all!
*I have learned that the past is just that and the future holds so much.
*I have learned to try and let go of the little things that can be frustrating and find laughter in them too.
*I have learned that God often tests us but he never leaves us in our time of need.
*I have learned I can be strong, push my sleeves up and get done what must be done!
*I have learned to look at the clouds, smell a flower and raise my chin up to a gentle breeze.
*I have learned that life has much to offer and sometimes we are so busy we often miss what is important.
*I have learned to find blessings in a friend.
*I have learned it is ok to say no.
*I have learned to take comfort in a wrinkled old hand touching your arm because there is so much to learn from it.
*I have learned to let go.
In my heart I know Grams' passing is a blessing. She was tired. It was time. She had lived 82 years. Imagine the things done and seen in 82 years!
I tired to make her last 3 years the best. There was difficult times and decisions to make. But my husband and I always tried to do what was best for her. The best aides. The best assisted living center. The best dr.
When she went into rehab for a broken hip, I ran to the store and filled her closet with all new clothes. Something she had not done for herself in YEARS! I got her a new sofa and rocker so she would have some place nice to sit when she came home. I picked up cookies and Hershey kisses every week cause I knew she liked them. But she never really said thank you in the end.
I know she knew I got these things. She would offer to pay me, forgetting I carried her checkbook anyway. But she never said 'thank you'. And I wonder if she was happy because of it all. All this sometimes got lost in her memories. Her Alzheimers mind. I dont' know if she forgot to say thank you. If she forgot HOW to say thank you. If she cared I did them at all. And I have been thinking over the last week....did she know? Was she happy? Did she know we did all we could for her? Did she know the sacrifices we made? Or was she lost? Lost in her mind. Lost in her memories. Lost in a past where Hershey kisses ment little. I like to think she did. But I guess I will never know.
To give you a little insite on what I dealt with....
Here is a story I tell with a smile on my face.
We were taking Grams out. And as she sat next to me in the van, she asked me where Pop was. Like a deer in headlights (go back to me not lying well) I paused and then said "Grams, Pop passed away". Her face crumbled and she said "Pop passed!? When did that happen!?" At that exact moment a car sped past me doing WAY over the speed limit and I changed the subject in a panic and talked about how aweful that guy was driving. It worked. For about 10 min. In the quiet of the van she says "Kim, where is Pop?". Well. I was NOT going down that road again!! So I said, "Oh he had some errands to do". Grams looks at me and says "But....I thought he died!" Sometimes you just never could win!
She is at rest now though. There is no more lonliness. No more pain. No more saddness. No more past. She is at peace. And she passed in her sleep. What more could one ask for? It was what she wanted. To die in peace and be with her husband.
And so we go on. With our memories. With a smile on our face when we think back. It is the life cycle. It is God's path for us. It is a new beginning....
Very inspiring. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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