Thursday, January 17, 2013


I come from a broken family.

There.  I said it.

I never really thought of my life that way as a kid.  My Grandparents worked hard to make things rather perfect.  We lived in the same house almost most of my life.  We had picnics and family vacations and game nights.  We cuddled on the sofa and watched movies and laughed at dinner time.  I was in the school band and did sleep overs and laid in the hammock on summer days eating watermelon and watching the clouds roll by.  I felt safe and secure and life was normal.  I can't say I ever felt like my family was broken.

I have come to realize though that trying to make everything all rainbows and sunshine doesn't really hide the reality of life.  The world is full of bad things and people.  Feelings get hurt.  Memories engraved.  Hearts broken.  Anger suppressed.  Making life as perfect as you can doesn't hide the truth.

I am grateful for the childhood I did have.  I can't say I would change anything was normal to me.  But the reality is......

My family is broken.

What I find sad is that many more memories were missed out on.  People passed by.  Moments stolen that can not be returned.  People hurt by the actions of another.  Souls that cannot be mended. Pretending that everything is perfect doesn't really face the truth in the end and doesn't allow one to truly heal.

I understand my Grandparents thinking.  One wants to protect.  But you really cannot. 

I will be honest and say what I haven't said in all my life.  I have held onto hurts over the years that I tried to hide behind watermelon summers and family game nights.  That I suppressed because they didn't really mean anything.  Or so I told myself.  I have met someone else like that.  Someone who doesnt' believe that the actions of another mattered.  But they do.  We can hide behind things and words but.....they do.

I believe that there is a reason for everything.  I once looked for my mother in the hopes of finding answers to hurts that were hidden.  I never had the opportunity to do so as she has passed away before I found her.  I struggled with this because I wanted answers.  I NEEDED answers.  There had to be something to explain how I felt.  But I won't be getting them.  What I found was someone else also struggling.  Perhaps a little lost like me.

I don't believe I was meant to find those answers I sought. I don't think I was meant to find my mother. I think perhaps my answers are in the feelings and understandings of another who can comprehend where I am too.  That perhaps we can reach out to each other and not, perhaps, understand the actions of another but to understand the feelings of each other.  We can't answer for another person.  But we can listen and understand where each of us are.

My father came back into my life.  I have come to realize that sometimes things are beyond our control.  That sometimes we wish we could change the past.  That the actions of others can alter forever and break hearts.

My brother came into my life.  We are on a new journey.  Taking slow steps and learning as we go.

In the end, as we slowly come together, heal and find peace in each other, I think that we might just be....normal.  No family is perfect.  There is no watermelon summers without all the other things that come with being a family.  We are all unique and special and frustrating and odd and perfect and loving and hurtful and imperfect as about every other family in the world. We are NOT perfect.  We ARE, however, family.

We might be broken but we are together and that is about as perfect a family as one can be!

1 comment:

  1. Man this made me tear up ! You are amazing...... . your children are amazing and Todd is amazing.... A whole family of amazing people..

    We can't wait to go with you on this new journey! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3